The Origin of the Universe and of Man - An Explanation

In the beginning, the Grand Pixie was alone. He thought to himself: This isn't good, perhaps I should create something.

And the Grand Pixie created a ball of hot, dense mass-energy. Oh bugger, the Grand Pixie thought, I don't have anywhere to put it.

And the Grand Pixie created space and He carefully placed the ball of hot, dense mass-energy into that space and the ball of hot, dense mass-energy entirely filled the space. For aeons without end the ball of hot, dense mass-energy sat in the space and did nothing. The Grand Pixie began to become dejected, having expected the ball of hot, dense mass-energy to have been far more interesting. Oops, thought the Grand Pixie after the second lot of aeons without end, I forgot to turn it on.

And the Grand Pixie created time and fused it to space to create space-time. And quick as a flash (actually a bit quicker than a flash) the ball of hot, dense mass-energy began to expand. The Grand Pixie looked upon the expansion (using magic pixie vision) and saw that it was good. Then, about 10 seconds after the expansion started there was a huge flash as photons came into existence. Fuck me, thought the Grand Pixie, I wasn't quite expecting that, I really should have had my sunglasses on.

After a while, the Grand Pixie could see again and saw that there was now hydrogen, helium and lithium. All that lithium will be good if I ever become dejected again, thought the Grand Pixie. For a great while, the Grand Pixie watched the universe form, much as one watches a lava-lamp, and He did chill right out.

After the great while, however, the Grand Pixie started to get bored again. He tried smashing a few galaxies together and pushed stars into black holes and forced quite a few to go supernova, but something was missing. I know, thought the Grand Pixie, I need something like me, something curious, prone to depression and capable of suffering. Despite the fact that the universe is pretty much entirely uninhabitable, I shall look for some insignificant corner of the universe and there I shall create creatures in mine own likeness. But, and this is the tricky part, I shall do so in such a way as to be indistinguishable from entirely natural processes - as if I did not exist.

So, the Grand Pixie looked high and low and to both sides and in front and behind and eventually He found the Sol. Hm, thought the Grand Pixie, this looks like it might be suitable, but I shall have to move the big planets out of the way and put a few rocky planets in closer to the star. And one of the rocks shall have a large moon to ensure that the molten core remains nice and hot due to tidal forces, and be at the right distance from the star to be covered almost entirely in water. I'll do it all totally naturally though, as if I don't exist. And the Grand Pixie created the solar system (without ever really making up His mind as to whether Pluto was a planet or not). And the Grand Pixie then just watched for billions of years.

And a time came when there was life across the face of the planet, but the Grand Pixie was not pleased with the life. It's all far too scaly, the Grand Pixie thought. I'm going to have to do some sort of a refresh.

So, the Grand Pixie took aim at Yucatan and threw a rock at it. Boom, and most of the dinosaurs died, leaving only some feathered ones which weren't that scaly at all and the furry mammals and various things in the sea, and a lot of the plants, of course, and some other scaly things which were a bit like dinosaurs but in another class entirely due to their pubic bone arrangement which the Grand Pixie was quite fond of. And the Grand Pixie was well pleased and did a little victory dance, fisting the aether as He went.

And the Grand Pixie watched for about 60 million years. At about this time, the lush wet forests in Northern Africa started to lose ground to savannah as the climate dried out and some bipedal apes began to chase down their prey, getting better and better at it over many generations due to a process the Grand Pixie called "evolution". As they got better at this, their brains got bigger and bigger and they lost their fur and became permanently upright and they began to talk to each other. And when they talked to each other they would say things like "Man, it's hot day!" and the Grand Pixie decided that they should be called "man" and the nicer looking one with the bumps would be called "woman".

And this is the explanation of how man came to be. Ramen.

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Some theists don't understand the differences between "explanation" and "evidence" and "proof".  Sometimes, I like to make fun of that.

God-Botherers Incorporated, How May I Misdirect You?

Does it occur to anyone else that there is some division of labour going on with theists, almost like they are part of some vast non-profit corporation with at least three distinct divisions: the sales department, the legal department and the in-service support department? If, when a sales representative starts spurting proselytising type guff, a non-theist challenges the notion of what is being proselytised ... the guy from the sales department says "Oh, you are arguing against me? I'll have to refer you to legal."

So the non-theist obligingly trots off to the legal department and begins presenting a case, at which point the defending theist (technically known as an apologist) will ask "What particular sort of god are you talking about here?" The non-theist will say something along the lines of it being the theist's responsibility to define their god, to which the defending theist will say "Oh no, fleshing out the meaning of god for you is the sales department's responsibility, we just do defence. If you want to argue god with us, you have to provide the definition. Of course that definition will be wrong, and we'll laugh mockingly at your naive understanding, but we can't tell you the right definition because, as already stated, that is the sales department's responsibility."

So the somewhat irritated non-theist trots back to the sales department and challenges them to define their god. "Oh dear", they say, looking despairingly at the non-theist, "It sounds like you are arguing again ... you'll have to deal with legal."

Of course, the legal, sales and in-service support departments never talk to each other so the legal department can happily mock the non-theist for foolishly accepting any details accidentally disclosed by the sales or the in-service support departments as indicative of any tenets of the faith.

Just because people talk on and on about a specific type of god every week at church, this doesn't mean that this is the sort of god they actually believe in. How foolish would we have to be to think that?

In this scenario, I guess that theologians divide their time between marketing and product development.

Unmoved Again

The following might not make much sense to some people.  Some reading between the lines may be required.

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Let us say that there is a guy who has an admirable desire to bring philosophy to the masses.  Rather than having philosophy locked up in "schools", he tends to think of philosophy as having "lines" and he decides sets up a "line philosophy" club.  Because he lives in Owen County, Indiana, he decides to call it the Owen Line Philosophy Club.

Let us say further that this marvellous person is not made of money, so he tends to staff his club with unpaid volunteers and one of these volunteers is a guy called Waftman.  Waftman has a warden-like role, which he takes quite seriously, and he has taken to calling himself a "Verger".  As well as carrying out his important responsibilities, Waftman also likes to mix it with the club members.

Now, one day, Waftman approaches a group of Owen Line Philosophy Club members and makes an amazing claim.

He beams proudly and says, "I am God!"

"Goodness," the members exclaim, "pray, tell us more!"

"Here is my proof," says Waftman, "I was able to solve the paradox which asks, can God create a rock that he cannot lift? I solved this paradox by creating a rock that I could not lift.

"I did this during a visit to Athens.  No, not Athens in Greece, Athens in Georgia, formerly known as Athens-Clark County.  While in Athens I created a rock from Lego, and was able to lift and manipulate that rock.  However, when I returned to Owen County, Indiana, I was not able to lift the rock that I created during my visit to Athens, Georgia. Thus, the logical conclusion is that I am God, because I created a rock that I could not lift. This solves an age old paradox, to which no equivalent solution has ever been found or provided."

"Oh my goodness," says one of the Owen Line Philosophy Club Members, "you are an insane, attention-seeking, logic-challenged tosser, Waftman.  Go away and stop bothering us with your inane waffle!"

Immovability

The scientists at BIPM were sitting around in the laboratory one day, bemoaning the fact that the International Prototype Kilogram was getting fat, when God appeared as if from nowhere.

“Bonjour tout le monde!  Comment allez vous?”  He said, in perfect French, before changing to English (which will, I assure you, make this whole thing a lot easier).  “Thou hast a kilogram problem.  I shalt solve said problem by creating for thee and thine a perfect cylinder of perfectly pure divinium (TM) that weigheth precisely one kilogram.  Here thou goest!”

God waved His arms impressively and a cylinder appeared in the air in the middle of laboratory.

“Ye obviously hath noticed that the new Divine Prototype Kilogram (DPK for short) art apparently floating in the air.  But nay, it floateth not!  Yonder DPK art not only perfect in its construction, dimensions and weight – yea verily it art immoveable.  Hie ye, scientific peons, attempt to smite mine DPK such that it moveth and ye shall find that it moveth NOT!”

After a few minutes during which the scientists translated what God has been talking about, they took up the challenge.  They tried to push and pull the DPK manually, then with ropes, then with a pulley arrangement – to no avail.  The DPK would not move.

“Fear not, mes enfants!” said God “Ye canst prevail over mine DPK so easily, nay, nor shall ye render harm unto mine DPK.  Have a real crack at it, garçons!”

“Zut alors, God, I’m a lady scientist!” said one of the scientists, “But ok, we’ll have another go.”

However, despite all their efforts, including the use of sledge hammers, pneumatic tools, cranes and even a bulldozer, nothing could shift the DPK.  The scientists had to admit that God had created an immoveable object.

“Merci,” said God.  “Now, for my next trick, I shalt move mine immoveable DPK and properly resolve the age old paradox.”

Again, God waved his hands impressively and, to the amazement of the scientists (even including the lady scientist despite still being miffed), the DPK moved 50 metres to the right.

“Sacré bleu!” they stereotypically exclaimed.  “God moved the DPK even though we have just comprehensively demonstrated it to be immoveable!”

“However,” said the lady scientist, in a bit of a huff, “You just moved the DPK, therefore it is not immoveable!  The paradox stands, you can’t make an immoveable object!”

God smiled and merely directed the attention of the scientists to the world outside the window.  The entire laboratory was now 50 metres to the left.  “Watch!”

Again there was an impressive waving of hands and this time, the scientists could see that DPK remained stationary as the entire laboratory moved back to where it was previously.

“Aha!” exclaimed the lady scientist. “So you can’t move the immoveable object after all – you cheated by moving the laboratory around the DPK.  The paradox still stands.”

God took on a slightly smitey expression and waved his hands again, somewhat less impressively.  The DKP, once again, moved 50 metres to the right.  The scientists looked out the window and saw that they were precisely where they were before.

The lady scientist looked a tad flustered.  “We’re just back where we started, you know, now you actually have moved your immoveable object, which means the paradox still stands unless … unless …” She paused as realisation dawned.  God assumed a smug expression.  “Dammit, you just moved the universe and everything in it to the left by 50 metres, didn’t you?”

“Something like that,” said God, accidentally slipping into modern vernacular.  “Thanks to My old buddy Einstein, I solved this paradox ages ago.  Relatively speaking there’s no functional difference between Me moving the entire universe with the exception of the DPK and Me moving the DPK itself.  If I want to make an immoveable object, I can.  If I then want to move it, I can – while it actually remains immoveable.”

“However…!” started the lady scientist, but God had gone.

Being The Grand Pixie

We tend to think of The Grand Pixie as a big man with a beard, or some sort of powerful "person" like a human being, although one who can do amazing things. This is just the childish version, it is conditioned in our thinking by a pedestrian approach to religion.

There are religions that don't have a "Grand Pixie" per se, such as Buddhism. Essentially, there is no reason to think of The Grand Pixie as a person, certainly not one with a corporeal body. That image, which is hinted at in the Pixie Manual, is merely metaphor. Depending upon the religious tradition, however, one can have very abstract views of The Grand Pixie which have nothing to do with a father figure or a mother figure.

There is a more abstract way to think about The Grand Pixie: that is "Transcendental Signifier;" the notion of a metaphysical first principle that organizes everything into a metaphysical hierarchy. This is the more sophisticated view of The Grand Pixie, and most of the works of the great Faerian philosophers hint at notions of The Grand Pixie in these abstract terms.

Some ancient Faerian, who developed a nonsensical “ontological argument” that no-one really takes seriously anymore, defined The Grand Pixie as "that which nothing greater than can be conceived." If he could have been bothered going through the charade, this old windbag would have ended all of his arguments by saying "this thing we call The Grand Pixie," as a means of keeping the exact nature of The Grand Pixie open ended. This is because The Grand Pixie is beyond our understanding, as the Pixie Manual says, but we can leave a "place marker" for the concept of The Grand Pixie by understanding that the ultimate logical function of the The Grand Pixie concept is that of the transcendental signifier.

Ground of Being

One of the sophisticated concepts used by great Faerian theologians is that of "The Ground of Being." This concept indicates, not that The Grand Pixie is the fact of things existing, but that The Grand Pixie is the basis for the existence of all things. The Grand Pixie is more fundamental to existing things than anything else. So fundamental to the existence of all things is The Grand Pixie – that The Grand Pixie can be thought of as the basis upon which things exist – the ground of their being. To say that The Grand Pixie is The ground of being or being itself, is to say that there is something we can sense that is so special about the nature of being that it hints at this fundamental reality upon which all else is based.

The phrases "Ground of Being" and "Being itself" are basically the same concept. Some use both at different times, and other pixiologians prefer "Being Itself," but they really speak to the same concept. Now Sceptics are always asking "how can The Grand Pixie be being?" I think this question comes from the fact that the term is misleading. The term "Being itself" gives one the impression that The Grand Pixie is the actual fact of "my existence," or the existence of my flowerbed, or any object one might care to name. Some random guy, on the other hand, said explicitly (in some book, so it must be true, right?) that this does not refer to an existential fact but to an ontological status. What is being said is not that The Grand Pixie is the fact of the being of some particular object, but, that he is the basis upon which being proceeds and upon which objects participate in being. In other words, since The Grand Pixie exists forever, nothing else can come to be without The Grand Pixie's will or thought, and since there can't even be a potential for any being without The Grand Pixie's thought, all potentialities for being arise in the "mind of The Grand Pixie" than in that sense The Grand Pixie is actually "Being Itself." I think "Ground of Being" is a less confusing term. The Grand Pixie is the ground upon which all being is based and from which all being proceeds.

How Can "a Being" be Being Itself?

Part of the confusion stems from a misunderstanding of what is being said. I say that The Grand Pixie is 'necessary being' not "a necessary being," not because I forgot the "a" but because The Grand Pixie is not "a being." He is above the level of any particular being that participates in being, but exists on the level of the Being, the thing itself, apart from any particular beings. There is Being, and there are "the beings." This is a crucial distinction, but it leaves one wondering what it means and how it could be. I think the answer lies in the fact that The Grand Pixie is ultimate reality. The Grand Pixie is the first, and highest and only necessary thing that exists, and thus, had The Grand Pixie not created, The Grand Pixie would be the only thing that exists. Could one somehow ponder a universe in which The Grand Pixie had not created, in which The Grand Pixie was all that was, one might well ask "what is it to be in this universe where there is only The Grand Pixie?" In such a universe the only conceivable answer is "to be is to be The Grand Pixie." In that sense The Grand Pixie is Being Itself.

(Original article being satirised is here.)