The Origin of the Universe and of Man - An Explanation

In the beginning, the Grand Pixie was alone. He thought to himself: This isn't good, perhaps I should create something.

And the Grand Pixie created a ball of hot, dense mass-energy. Oh bugger, the Grand Pixie thought, I don't have anywhere to put it.

And the Grand Pixie created space and He carefully placed the ball of hot, dense mass-energy into that space and the ball of hot, dense mass-energy entirely filled the space. For aeons without end the ball of hot, dense mass-energy sat in the space and did nothing. The Grand Pixie began to become dejected, having expected the ball of hot, dense mass-energy to have been far more interesting. Oops, thought the Grand Pixie after the second lot of aeons without end, I forgot to turn it on.

And the Grand Pixie created time and fused it to space to create space-time. And quick as a flash (actually a bit quicker than a flash) the ball of hot, dense mass-energy began to expand. The Grand Pixie looked upon the expansion (using magic pixie vision) and saw that it was good. Then, about 10 seconds after the expansion started there was a huge flash as photons came into existence. Fuck me, thought the Grand Pixie, I wasn't quite expecting that, I really should have had my sunglasses on.

After a while, the Grand Pixie could see again and saw that there was now hydrogen, helium and lithium. All that lithium will be good if I ever become dejected again, thought the Grand Pixie. For a great while, the Grand Pixie watched the universe form, much as one watches a lava-lamp, and He did chill right out.

After the great while, however, the Grand Pixie started to get bored again. He tried smashing a few galaxies together and pushed stars into black holes and forced quite a few to go supernova, but something was missing. I know, thought the Grand Pixie, I need something like me, something curious, prone to depression and capable of suffering. Despite the fact that the universe is pretty much entirely uninhabitable, I shall look for some insignificant corner of the universe and there I shall create creatures in mine own likeness. But, and this is the tricky part, I shall do so in such a way as to be indistinguishable from entirely natural processes - as if I did not exist.

So, the Grand Pixie looked high and low and to both sides and in front and behind and eventually He found the Sol. Hm, thought the Grand Pixie, this looks like it might be suitable, but I shall have to move the big planets out of the way and put a few rocky planets in closer to the star. And one of the rocks shall have a large moon to ensure that the molten core remains nice and hot due to tidal forces, and be at the right distance from the star to be covered almost entirely in water. I'll do it all totally naturally though, as if I don't exist. And the Grand Pixie created the solar system (without ever really making up His mind as to whether Pluto was a planet or not). And the Grand Pixie then just watched for billions of years.

And a time came when there was life across the face of the planet, but the Grand Pixie was not pleased with the life. It's all far too scaly, the Grand Pixie thought. I'm going to have to do some sort of a refresh.

So, the Grand Pixie took aim at Yucatan and threw a rock at it. Boom, and most of the dinosaurs died, leaving only some feathered ones which weren't that scaly at all and the furry mammals and various things in the sea, and a lot of the plants, of course, and some other scaly things which were a bit like dinosaurs but in another class entirely due to their pubic bone arrangement which the Grand Pixie was quite fond of. And the Grand Pixie was well pleased and did a little victory dance, fisting the aether as He went.

And the Grand Pixie watched for about 60 million years. At about this time, the lush wet forests in Northern Africa started to lose ground to savannah as the climate dried out and some bipedal apes began to chase down their prey, getting better and better at it over many generations due to a process the Grand Pixie called "evolution". As they got better at this, their brains got bigger and bigger and they lost their fur and became permanently upright and they began to talk to each other. And when they talked to each other they would say things like "Man, it's hot day!" and the Grand Pixie decided that they should be called "man" and the nicer looking one with the bumps would be called "woman".

And this is the explanation of how man came to be. Ramen.

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Some theists don't understand the differences between "explanation" and "evidence" and "proof".  Sometimes, I like to make fun of that.