Hi, I'm Sthitapragya, this is my story
of how I became an atheist.
I recently learned that I am an
apatheist. I did not even know that such a classification of atheists existed.
An apatheist is someone for whom the existence or the non-existence of God are
irrelevant. So how did I reach this
stage? By starting as a theist, of course.
I was born into a Hindu family. My
father was not particularly religious in the sense that like other Hindus there
were no rituals or ceremonies observed by my family. But my home was strewn
with books on Hindu philosophy which my father was obsessed with. The thing
about Hindu philosophy that most people can never grasp is that it is quite
distinct from Hindu religion. So I was never really exposed to Hindu religion
in my home but Hindu philosophy was everywhere. My father is an orator of sorts
and he used to talk about philosophy with me since I was very young. And he was
interesting. I remember a time when we sat for 13 hours straight discussing Hindu
philosophy. Him talking and me listening and I never ever got bored. But he never forced his ideas on me. He just
explained things to me when I went to him with a question.
At a very early age, I got attracted to
the Swaminarayan sect (if you have heard of it). So I started praying to
Swaminarayan. My father, when he saw my interest, got me all the paraphernalia
needed to worship the Lord ritualistically and even taught me how to do it.
Pretty soon I grew out of it and stopped. Then I moved on to the Bhagwad Gita,
which is the equivalent ( but not really) of the Bible for Hindus. I remember
at the age of 16, telling my dad that there were a lot of inconsistencies in
the Gita. He just said, “very good, so now read the Ishopanishad.” So I started
reading the Ishopanishad. I was very confused and very interested in knowing
God. It was an obsession for me. That was all I could think about all day. Then
the uncertainty started creeping up on me. I realized that life was just a
routine. You, get up, you do your ablutions, you eat, go to college, come back,
eat and go to sleep to do it all over again. Then you get married, have kids,
but the routine remains the same. So what is the point of life? Am I just
supposed to do this every day and then die? It sounded so horrible that I
started going into a depression, sure that life had no meaning or purpose. This
went on for some time. I lost all interest in life, and even my friends started
worrying about me.
Then one day, I had an “episode.” I was
sitting with my friends having tea at a stall. So I was sitting on a rock and
there was a small wild bush in front of me. On that bush was a very small white
flower. I was sitting there, admiring that tiny flower, and suddenly, I KNEW.
It came to me from everywhere. God exists. Complete and total conviction. It
changed me instantly. I just know life had a meaning and a purpose. God
existed. I felt relieved and exultant at the same time. The conviction was so
total, it is indescribable. I was just suddenly sure about EVERYTHING. God
existed and all was right with the world. There was a meaning and purpose to
life. I just didn’t know it yet. Now, armed with this new found conviction that
God existed, I moved on to learn what the meaning and purpose of life were and
what I was supposed to do.
That is where the problems started. As
long as I brought God into the equation, nothing made sense. Remove Him,
everything made sense. But I already was convinced that God existed. So I
decided that my definition of God was wrong. So I started re-defining God. I
went from Brahman, to love, to the whole universe. I concluded and understood
that God was impersonal and that He was just observing everything. This kind of
made sense and there were not many contradictions. So I remained comfortable in
that.
But a conversation with my brother
changed everything for me. He told me, "you guys simply refuse to accept
the POSSIBILITY that everything came out of nothing." First, obviously, I
rejected that concept as ridiculous. Then I homed in on the key word.
POSSIBILITY. It occurred to me, how could I be so arrogant as to be SURE about
something which no one else was sure of? So I started questioning where the
surety came from. Took me very long but I figured out that I NEEDED God. For
some reason, maybe years of conditioning, needing protection, whatever it maybe. So I asked myself, what if
there is no God? What would it change? What would be different? Is it possible
that we came out of nothing? So, I went out of my comfort zone and started
reading scientific stuff which was very tough. Took me about a decade, but I
concluded that the LIKELIHOOD of everything coming out of "Nothing" (
note the nothing in quotes) was more than the rapidly disappearing likelihood
of God. I stopped believing in luck. Or
Magic. I realized that what science could not answer meant "the
unexplained". It did NOT mean automatically, “God did it”. Lightening was
God for ancient men. Turned out to be so
wrong. We just moved on to more complex definitions of God. Slowly, but surely,
I ended up having no logical reason to accept the existence of God and even
more importantly, the SIGNIFICANCE of God.Now it does not matter to me, either
way. The existence OR non-existence of God makes absolutely no difference to me
at all whatsoever. Now I am not a non-believer. I believe that God is a
hypothesis which is unproven. I am simply rejecting an unproven hypothesis.
I am an atheist now. But I remain a
Hindu because Hinduism encompasses all. I think people cannot grasp the concept
that Hinduism is not predominantly a religion but a culture with religion as a
part of it. So if Hinduism likes something from your religion they will simply
adopt it. We have Hindus who pray to Muslim saints too. So yes, I am a Hindu
who is an atheist.
Now I find that I am an apatheist which
basically means that to me, God is irrelevant. Whether God exists or not, I am
convinced it does not matter one whit.